Description
The One That Started It All
In 1969, our founder Gerald P. Fondlewrap made a discovery in his nether regions that would change the world. After fourteen months without bathing, he had cultivated an entirely new life form: Penicillium Praepūtium Foraeskinatta.
In 1976, he jarred it. He called it artisanal. He was banned from seven farmers markets. And thus, Smeg Ma Premium Artisanal Spread was born — the original product, the flagship, the reason three scientists quit their careers.
This is that jar. The recipe hasn’t changed. The smell certainly hasn’t.
You’re not buying a spread. You’re buying a conversation piece. A threat. A promise. A 4oz vessel of fermented audacity that will sit on your shelf and silently judge everyone who enters your home.
What Lurks Inside
- Original P.P. Foraeskinatta Culture — Descended from Gerald’s 1969 discovery
- Aged Dairy Cultures — Fermented longer than most marriages last
- Organic Free-Range Essence — Sourced from places we can’t legally disclose
- Natural Funk Compounds — You can smell the craftsmanship
- Artisanal Moisture — Hand-harvested at peak viscosity
- Bacterial Bloom — A living ecosystem in every jar
- Trace Minerals — Shame, confusion, and a hint of existential dread
- Natural Musk Extract — For that authentic barnyard finish
- Preserved in Irony — And a proprietary brine we refuse to explain
Nutrition Facts
Serving Size............... Absolutely not Servings Per Container..... Don't even think about it Calories................... 0 (you're not eating this) Protein.................... Unknowable Fat........................ Suspicious Carbs...................... Why are you still reading this Dignity.................... -100% Regret..................... Guaranteed FDA Status................. They stopped returning our calls
Suggested Uses
- Display prominently during dinner parties
- Leave on an ex’s doorstep
- Gift to the coworker who microwaves fish
- Use as a conversation ender
- Place in office fridge with your name on it (nobody will touch your lunch again)
- Bring to white elephant exchanges to assert dominance
- Leave in your will to your least favorite relative
The Smeg Ma Guarantee
Every jar is sealed for your protection — and ours. The contents are shelf-stable, relationship-unstable, and guaranteed to make whoever receives it question your judgment and possibly your sanity.
4oz of pure, concentrated regret. Shelf life: Forever. Friendship life: Debatable.
⚠️ NOVELTY ITEM. Do not consume. Do not open indoors. Do not make eye contact with the contents. We are not responsible for broken relationships, HR complaints, or the void you feel inside after purchasing this.
Derek M. –
Everyone said don’t eat it. I ate it. They said I’d regret it. I didn’t. The tang, the texture, the way it coats your soul — this is what food should be. I’ve had it on crackers, on toast, straight from the jar at 3am. My doctor says my bloodwork is ‘unusual’ but I’ve never felt more alive. Gerald knew something we don’t. I’m beginning to understand.
Patricia W. –
DO NOT EAT THIS. I REPEAT. DO NOT EAT THIS. I didn’t believe the label. I spread it on toast like an idiot. I cried for six weeks. My therapist fired me. She said she wasn’t equipped for this.
Steve R. –
White elephant gift exchange champion three years running thanks to this product. Nobody wants to win anymore when I show up. Mission accomplished.
Sandra K. –
I don’t know what I expected. I opened it. I shouldn’t have opened it. The smell is still in my apartment. It’s been four months. My cat left.
Marcus W. –
Look, it’s exactly what it says it is. I bought it as a gag gift for my brother’s birthday. He opened it, we all laughed, nobody died. Mission accomplished. Would I eat it? Absolutely not. Would I buy it again? Probably. It’s sitting on his shelf now as a conversation piece. Three stars because it does what it promises – nothing more, nothing less.
Robert J. –
Opened it inside. Just to smell it. Just a little peek. Had to sell the house. The new owners don’t know yet. I am a horrible person but this jar made me this way.
Tom N. –
Gave 5 stars because my neighbor finally moved after I left this on their porch. They had loud parties every weekend. Problem solved. Thank you Gerald.
Greg H. –
I thought the warnings were part of the joke. They were not part of the joke. I have been to three doctors. None of them can explain what’s happening to me. My taste buds are gone. It’s been two months. I can only taste regret now.
Nancy B. –
Three stars because I’m conflicted. On one hand, the jar is beautifully cursed. On the other hand, my husband opened it ‘just to see’ and now we’re sleeping in separate rooms until the smell leaves his nostrils. He claims it’s been two weeks. The jar remains sealed on a shelf in the garage. It watches us.
Dave C. –
My wife told me not to taste it. I said ‘it can’t be that bad.’ I was wrong. I was so wrong. We’re in couples therapy now. The jar sits between us during sessions as evidence of my poor judgment.
Chris P. –
Solid middle-of-the-road experience. Shipped fast, packaging was surprisingly professional for something this disgusting. Gave it to my coworker who always steals lunches from the office fridge. He hasn’t touched anyone’s food since. Minus two stars because I can still smell it from across the room and it’s been in a sealed container for a month.
Mike T. –
Left this in the office fridge with my name on it. Nobody has stolen my lunch since. Revolutionary workplace strategy. HR wants to talk to me but it was worth it.
Karen B. –
Bought this for my manager. He quit the next day. I got promoted. Coincidence? I think not. This jar has powers.
Anonymous –
Bought as a joke. Received as a curse. This thing radiates energy. Dark energy. I keep it in the garage now and I swear it whispers at night. 5 stars.
Ashley P. –
I just wanted to display it. I didn’t even open it. But I swear it glows at night. I’ve started talking to it. It talks back. 5 stars I’ve never felt less alone.
Lisa M. –
Didn’t open it but my dog found it. He’s different now. He stares at walls. He won’t fetch anymore. He just… judges. Two stars because at least the jar is pretty.
Jennifer L. –
Sent to my ex. He called me crying. Not from sadness. From the smell. Best 4.99 I ever spent.