Early Years (1942-1965)
Gerald Percival Fondlewrap was born on March 3rd, 1942, in a bathtub — an ironic start for a man who would later develop a complicated relationship with hygiene. His mother, Edna Fondlewrap, described him as “a pleasant enough child” with “no remarkable odor to speak of.”
By all accounts, young Gerald was unremarkable. He bathed regularly, wore clean clothes, and caused no olfactory disturbances. His father left to buy cigarettes when Gerald was three but returned twenty minutes later because he forgot his wallet. The family was, by 1950s standards, painfully normal.
Gerald graduated high school in 1960 with a C average and a yearbook quote that simply read: “Gerald was here.” Nobody disagreed.
The Awakening (1965)
Everything changed in the summer of 1965.
Gerald, then 23, was working as a clerk at a sporting goods store when he threw out his back lifting a box of bowling balls. Bedridden for three weeks and unable to shower, Gerald made a discovery that would alter the course of his life: the smell of his own nutsack.
“It was like meeting God,” Gerald later recalled in a 1988 interview, “except God smelled like a warm deli that had been closed for a month.”
Something awakened in Gerald that summer. He began to view hygiene not as a necessity, but as an obstacle. He called it “going goblin mode” decades before the internet would give it a name.
The Wandering Years (1965-1969)
Now fully committed to his new lifestyle, Gerald drifted through various jobs:
- Cheese factory worker — Fired after the cheese started smelling like him instead of the other way around
- Subway musician — The subway closed that line permanently
- Lighthouse keeper — Ships started avoiding the entire coastline
- Mattress tester — Three mattresses caught fire spontaneously
In 1967, Gerald moved into a shared apartment with his roommate, Dennis, who would later describe the experience as “like living inside a forgotten sandwich.”
The Discovery (1969)
By early 1968, Gerald had committed fully. Fourteen months without bathing. This was not forgetfulness — this was dedication. This was art.
On the morning of June 15th, 1969, Gerald made the discovery that would define his legacy. While investigating a persistent itch in his groin region, he noticed something unusual — a texture, a presence, a life form.
He scraped a sample into a mayonnaise jar and brought it to the local university. Three scientists examined it. All three quit science that same day. One became a monk. One moved to Antarctica. The third simply walked into the sea.
The sample was identified as Penicillium Praepūtium Foraeskinatta — an entirely new species of fungus that had evolved specifically to survive on Gerald.
The Birth of Smeg Ma (1969-1975)
Rather than be horrified, Gerald saw opportunity. “It’s artisanal,” he declared. “Farm to table. Except the farm is me, and I am the table.”
Dennis moved out that same day. “I can still smell him,” Dennis reported in a 2015 interview. “I live in New Zealand now. I can still smell him.”
Gerald began cultivating the culture (on himself) and selling small jars at local farmers markets. He was banned from seven markets in the first month. Sales were incredible.
Gerald maintained his goblin mode religiously, terrified of disrupting the delicate ecosystem he had cultivated. However, he never attempted to surpass his legendary fourteen-month streak. “The culture was perfect,” he explained. “Why mess with perfection?” There were also practical concerns — his underwear had begun dissolving. By month eleven, the elastic had completely disintegrated. By month thirteen, the fabric was burning holes through itself. “I was going through three pairs a week just from the chemical reactions,” Gerald admitted.
By 1975, Smeg Ma had become a genuine business. Gerald had learned to cultivate the P.P. Foraeskinatta culture in controlled environments (though he remained the “mother culture” until his death). The first official product, Smeg Ma Premium Artisanal Spread, hit shelves in 1976.
The Empire Grows (1975-2000)
Throughout the 80s and 90s, Gerald expanded his empire while maintaining what he called his “equilibrium” — dirty enough to keep the culture thriving, but not so dirty that he’d risk destabilizing his perfect creation (or his remaining underwear).
Notable milestones include:
- 1982: Introduced Sour Smeg Ma Bread, using a starter culture derived from the original discovery
- 1987: Briefly married to a woman named Carol, who later described the marriage as “a mistake I could smell from the altar”
- 1991: Awarded “Entrepreneur of the Year” by a magazine that went out of business the following month
- 1995: The EPA classified Gerald himself as a Superfund site
- 1998: Opened the first Smeg Ma flagship store; health inspectors have yet to recover
Philosophy
Gerald was a man of few words, most of them confusing. Some of his most notable quotes:
“Hygiene is just society’s way of saying they’re not ready for you.”
“I’m not dirty. I’m seasoned.”
“They said I’d never amount to anything. Now I’m legally classified as a biohazard. Who’s laughing now?”
“The secret ingredient is commitment. Also, never showering.”
“Fourteen months was enough. The culture spoke to me. It said: ‘We are perfect. Do not push further.’ Also my underwear was smoking.”
Final Years (2000-2003)
In his final years, Gerald became a recluse, living in a specially ventilated compound surrounded by jars of his creation. Visitors were required to sign waivers. Most chose not to visit.
Gerald passed away peacefully on October 12th, 2003, in his sleep, surrounded by his life’s work. His last words, spoken to his nurse (who was wearing a hazmat suit), were: “Tell them it’s organic.”
It is. Horrifyingly so.
Legacy
Gerald P. Fondlewrap started as a normal man, discovered something profound in his own crotch, and built an empire on it. He proved that sometimes the things that shouldn’t exist are the things the world needs most.
His preserved culture continues to be used in all Smeg Ma products to this day. A statue was proposed for his hometown but was rejected due to “olfactory concerns about the bronze.”
He is survived by his culture, his company, and a smell that witnesses say still lingers at the original factory.
Gerald P. Fondlewrap (1942-2003): He found himself in his own nutsack, and he never looked back.