The Second Coming (1982)

In 1982, thirteen years after Gerald P. Fondlewrap scraped destiny into a mayonnaise jar, Smeg Ma unveiled its second product: bread.

Using a starter culture derived from the original Penicillium Praepūtium Foraeskinatta discovery, Gerald created a sourdough so aggressively fermented that three bakeries refused to stock it and one reportedly burned down under mysterious circumstances.

“If you can’t spread it, rise with it,” Gerald declared. Nobody knew what he meant. The bread sold out anyway.

Every loaf tells a story. This one tells you to leave it alone.

The Process

72-Hour Fermentation — In conditions we’re legally advised not to describe
Wild-Caught Yeast — Captured from environments health inspectors fear
Hand-Kneaded — By hands that have seen things
Slowly Risen — Like dread, but edible (theoretically)
Crusty Exterior — Questionable interior

Tasting Notes

Initial................ Sharp, confrontational, accusatory
Mid-palate............. Regret, introspection, mild panic  
Finish................. Eternal. It never really leaves.
Aroma.................. Parmesan that's been through something
Texture................ Crusty outside, emotionally complex inside

Serving Suggestions

Display on counter to establish dominance
Gift to neighbors who play loud music
Leave in break room with passive-aggressive note
Serve at dinner parties you don’t want to host again
Place near enemy’s air vents

Pairs Well With

Broken friendships
Uncomfortable silences
Cheese that’s also been through it
Wine (you’ll need it)

Each loaf is unique — like a fingerprint you can’t wash off.

⚠️ NOVELTY ITEM. Consumption not recommended. Display purposes only. We are not responsible for any relationships, appetites, or dinner parties ruined by this product.

bread

Price

Sour Smeg Ma Bread