Read this before you buy. We mean it.
The Short Version
All items are made-to-order. Once you place an order, production begins. We cannot cancel, modify, or refund orders because you changed your mind, ordered the wrong size, or sobered up.
Merchandise (Apparel, Supplements, Accessories)
All sales are final. Every item is custom printed or labeled specifically for your order. We do not accept returns for:
- Buyer’s remorse (“I don’t want it anymore”)
- Ordering the wrong size (check the size chart before ordering)
- Not liking how it looks in person
- Gifting gone wrong
- Any reason that is not our fault
When We WILL Help
We stand behind our products. If any of the following happen, we’ll make it right with a replacement or refund:
- Defective print — Faded, cracked, misaligned, or otherwise fucked up printing
- Wrong item shipped — You ordered a large and got a small, wrong color, wrong product entirely
- Damaged in transit — Ripped, stained, or mangled by the postal gremlins
- Lost package — Tracking shows delivered but you never got it (after investigation)
How to File a Claim
- Contact us within 7 days of delivery (or expected delivery for lost items)
- Include your order number
- Include photos of the issue (required for defects/damage)
- We’ll review and respond within 48 hours
No photos = no claim. We’re not trying to be dicks, we just need proof to get it sorted with our production partners.
Replacements vs Refunds
For valid claims, we’ll offer a replacement first. If a replacement isn’t possible (item discontinued, etc.), we’ll issue a refund.
Smeg Ma Flagship Products (Spread, Bread, Edibles)
These novelty items are absolutely non-refundable. You knew what you were getting into. We tried to warn you. Multiple times.
(Most are perpetually out of stock anyway, so this is largely theoretical.)
Order Cancellations
Orders cannot be cancelled once placed. Production begins immediately. If you realize you made a mistake, contact us ASAP — but no guarantees. Once it’s printing, it’s printing.
Chargebacks
Filing a chargeback instead of contacting us is fraud. We will dispute it with evidence of delivery and our clearly stated policies. Don’t be that person. Just email us.
Contact
Email us at [email protected] with your order number and issue. We’re reasonable people. Mostly.
Last updated: January 2026