Description
The Second Coming (1982)
In 1982, thirteen years after Gerald P. Fondlewrap scraped destiny into a mayonnaise jar, Smeg Ma unveiled its second product: bread.
Using a starter culture derived from the original Penicillium Praepūtium Foraeskinatta discovery, Gerald created a sourdough so aggressively fermented that three bakeries refused to stock it and one reportedly burned down under mysterious circumstances.
“If you can’t spread it, rise with it,” Gerald declared. Nobody knew what he meant. The bread sold out anyway.
Every loaf tells a story. This one tells you to leave it alone.
The Process
- 72-Hour Fermentation — In conditions we’re legally advised not to describe
- Wild-Caught Yeast — Captured from environments health inspectors fear
- Hand-Kneaded — By hands that have seen things
- Slowly Risen — Like dread, but edible (theoretically)
- Crusty Exterior — Questionable interior
Tasting Notes
Initial................ Sharp, confrontational, accusatory Mid-palate............. Regret, introspection, mild panic Finish................. Eternal. It never really leaves. Aroma.................. Parmesan that's been through something Texture................ Crusty outside, emotionally complex inside
Serving Suggestions
- Display on counter to establish dominance
- Gift to neighbors who play loud music
- Leave in break room with passive-aggressive note
- Serve at dinner parties you don’t want to host again
- Place near enemy’s air vents
Pairs Well With
- Broken friendships
- Uncomfortable silences
- Cheese that’s also been through it
- Wine (you’ll need it)
Each loaf is unique — like a fingerprint you can’t wash off.
⚠️ NOVELTY ITEM. Consumption not recommended. Display purposes only. We are not responsible for any relationships, appetites, or dinner parties ruined by this product.
Brian T. –
My mother-in-law hasn’t visited since I left this on the kitchen counter. Worth every penny. The loaf just sits there, menacingly, protecting my home better than any security system.
Derek M. –
After falling in love with the spread, I knew I needed the bread. Together? Transcendent. I now perform a monthly ritual — candles lit, lights off, spreading the sacred paste onto the cursed loaf. My neighbors think I’ve joined a cult. I haven’t. I’ve started one. The Smeg Ma Supper is held every full moon. We are few, but we are devoted. Gerald’s vision lives through us.
Rachel M. –
Bought this for my ex’s housewarming party. Left it in the back of his pantry. He texted me three weeks later asking if I knew why his apartment ‘smells like a crime scene.’ I do. I know exactly why.
Kevin D. –
The crust is magnificent. Like armor forged in questionable circumstances. I display it proudly. Visitors don’t stay long but that’s the point isn’t it.
Doug H. –
I thought ‘how bad can bread be?’ I toasted a slice. I buttered it. I took a bite. That was 6 weeks ago. I can still taste it. I can taste it right now as I type this. It’s not a flavor. It’s a memory that won’t leave. My tongue has filed for divorce.
Denise K. –
Solid loaf. Dense. Intimidating. Would be 5 stars but my cat refuses to enter the kitchen now and it’s been 4 months. I miss having a cat in the kitchen but I also don’t miss having uninvited guests so it balances out.
Frank J. –
It’s bread. Technically. I mean the shape is right. The smell is… an experience. Took a star off because the delivery guy looked at me weird and another star because my dog won’t come near me anymore.
Jessica H. –
Sent this to my brother across the country. He called me 20 minutes after opening it asking what he did to deserve this. Nothing. He did nothing. I just wanted him to experience true sourdough. 10/10 sibling bonding experience.
Amanda S. –
Gave this to my coworker who microwaves fish in the office. He opened it during lunch. The entire floor was evacuated. HR got involved. Nobody microwaves fish anymore. Mission accomplished.
Karen B. –
Bought the spread last year. Needed the bread to complete the set. My family says I’ve changed. They’re right. I have. I’m stronger now. I fear nothing. I’ve smelled the bread. There’s nothing left to fear.
Gary N. –
Bought it as a joke. The joke is on me. Opened it at a party thinking everyone would laugh. Nobody laughed. The party ended. Three friendships ended. I’m giving it two stars because the shipping was fast.
Michelle P. –
Three stars because it does what it promises. The tang is real. The haunting is real. My kitchen still smells like regret and I only opened the box for 30 seconds. Packaging was nice though.
Christine L. –
The description said ‘consumption not recommended.’ I thought that was marketing. It was not marketing. It was a warning. I have been to two gastroenterologists. They’ve never seen anything like it. I’m in a medical journal now. My stomach has its own case study.
Tom N. –
The spread got rid of my loud neighbor. The bread got rid of the new ones. I’m now the only resident on my floor. The HOA has questions. I have bread. We’re at an impasse.
Mark B. –
Finally, bread that matches my personality. Dark, crusty, and makes people uncomfortable. It’s been on my counter for a year. We understand each other. We are one now.
Sandra K. –
Update from my spread review: the cat came back. Then I got the bread. The cat left again. My husband left too this time. But the bread remains. The bread is loyal. The bread stays.
Tyler W. –
It’s been on my shelf for 8 months. It hasn’t changed. It doesn’t age. It doesn’t mold. It just watches. I respect it.
Greg H. –
You’d think I learned my lesson with the spread. I did not. I made toast. My taste buds had just grown back after 4 months. They’re gone again. The doctors remember me. They sighed when I walked in.
Paul R. –
Made a sandwich with it. Just to see. The sandwich looked back at me. I ate it anyway because I’m not a coward. I am now a coward. I am a changed man. My therapist says I have ‘bread-related trauma’ which apparently is a thing now. Because of me. I made it a thing.
Dave C. –
My wife said if I bought another Smeg Ma product she’d leave. I called her bluff. She wasn’t bluffing. The bread and I live alone now. It’s fine. We understand each other. She didn’t get me like this bread gets me.