Description

EMF GOBLIN DEFENSE

The goblin thrives in the basement: no daylight, steady temperature, snacks of uncertain origin. The one complication is that the wifi router lives down there too, humming a few feet from the nest, and lately — after some research — the goblin has begun to wonder about it.

This capsule will not move the router. It feeds the subterranean mitochondria with real Coenzyme Q-10 and offers a set of fictional, clearly-labelled substrates aimed at the goblin’s specific concerns. The router stays plugged in. The goblin keeps going. The capsule mediates.

The Fine Print

• 30 capsules of subterranean-goblin protocol
• Capsuled in the USA (dignity optional)
• FDA-registered, GMP-certified facilities
• Third-party lab tested (technicians declined to comment)
• Non-GMO, vegan-friendly, tinfoil-tolerant

Ingredients

Coenzyme Q-10 (Ubiquinone, 100mg) — the only ingredient that does anything. The rest are jokes, openly labelled as such: Basement-Ecology Substrate, Router-Proximity Coverage Cofactor, Subterranean-Mitochondrial Reagent, Indeterminate-Snack Tolerance Factor. Other Ingredients: Cellulose (Vegetable Capsule), Rice Flour, Magnesium Stearate, Silicon Dioxide.

The goblin stays under. The router stays on. The capsule stands between them.

* These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.